I'm going to tell you a secret...I didn't always want to be a mother. Between the ages of 18 and 20 I was going to be a career woman. No kids for me - just a smokin' hot husband! ;-)
In my early twenties I decided that I wanted kids, but not until I was at least 30, so that I could travel, advance my career, and enjoy my youth. This was not a bad plan for me.
At 23 I got married and we decided to wait until we were married for five years before having children. Between the ages of 24 and 25 it started. That desire for a baby. I knew I wasn't ready, and neither was my then husband. We traveled, we moved around a lot (he was in the military), and we enjoyed our youth. As the years passed my desire for a family grew stronger while his desire grew weaker. Then, at the ripe "old" age of 30 it happened.
Separation.
By 31 I was divorced and living with my mom. I was devastated. Not one to be kept down I decided to earn my Master's degree and begin my new life. It happened while I was grieving the loss of my first marriage. It totally snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I met HIM. My soulmate.
We were both mourning relationships that had gone south. We comforted one another and talked about our dreams for the future. During this time of our blossoming friendship and companionship we fell in love. (Insert AWWWWWWW!)
We dated for more than three years before we got engaged. We were both gun shy - afraid of the pain from our previous relationships.
I truly believe in God's perfect timing. I needed to go through the joy and the angst of the first marriage to truly appreciate what I have now.
We agreed right away that we wanted to have children. Two was what we wanted. A boy and a girl (so cliched, right?) We waited until we had been married for two years before we started trying for a baby. Within three months I was pregnant. We were overjoyed! For six amazing weeks I rested and enjoyed the "glow" and attention given to me as a new life was growing inside of me. Then, like a light switch, it started.
Morning sickness.
I'm not talking eat a couple of Saltines before you get out of bed you'll feel better in a little while. I'm talking nausea 24/7. I tried everything - vitamins, ginger ale, sea bands, Saltines - nothing helped. But because I wasn't losing weight medication was not recommended. People told me I would forget all about being sick once the baby came. Four years later I haven't forgotten.
While the nausea subsided around Thanksgiving of that year, I still didn't feel any kind of blissful glow. I felt more of a wretching green. I wish I could say I just woke up one morning and it was gone. But it lingered throughout the pregnancy. While it wasn't constant, it would sneak up on me when my defenses were down. Like in the middle of the state mandated writing test I was giving. I won't give you the details of that one.
After 40 weeks and 3 days I went into labor...for 43 hours. No, I was not one of those women who wanted to have a "natural" childbirth. I wanted to give birth in a medicinal haze with a big, goofy grin on my face. Little Miss was ready to make her debut but my body was not cooperating. In addition to the contractions (which I don't really remember) I had back labor (which I remember in vivid detail). Worst. Pain. Ever. After the 43 hours of labor my amazing husband told them they had to do something. NOW. So off to the OR we rolled where, after just a few minutes, Babycakes made her debut. I was exhausted but I was finally in that medicinal haze with the goofy grin on my face!
I nursed that beautiful girl for 10 glorious months. I was tired all. the. time. Making milk is hard work. They don't tell you that in the books. I made the choice to do it because my mom did it for us. I cherished those times together. I also cherished the bottle times that followed. I still cherish the times when she lets me rock her in the chair.
I LOVE being a mommy. I can't think of anything I would rather do with my life. But I can't do it a second time. Physically or emotionally. I did get pregnant just before Babycakes turned 2 but God needed another angel. He took that sweet baby's soul on my late father-in-law's birthday. I know "Daddy Gene" is rocking that baby until I meet him/her one day after my work here on Earth is through. Many have asked if the miscarriage is the reason we have decided not to have another baby. The answer is, "No."
I am now 41 years young and the Hubs is 47. We will be approaching retirement age when Babycakes graduates from college. I love our family just the way it is! While my "plan" was to have at least two children, God has led me to the decision to only have one child. Am I sad there won't be another baby? Sometimes. Do I wonder if Babycakes will be okay without siblings? Absolutely! But I have to trust in my heavenly Father and the choice he has led us to in this. I have a feeling He has other things in store for our small family. We just need to trust in His timing and His choices for our lives.
