The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. You see, a couple of weeks ago the Hubs and I found out I was pregnant. This was not something we had planned on timing wise, but we had discussed a second child. After recovering from the initial shock and got used to the idea, we were thrilled that Babycakes would become a BIG sister. We told our family, our friends, and our co-workers. Even though I wasn't very far along, I am a believer in the power of prayer and wanted the Lord's hand in this pregnancy.
Then, last Wednesday, I started having some problems. Without going into the details, I checked with a nurse who had worked in OB/GYN for several years and learned what I was experiencing is normal. So I wasn't all that concerned.
On Thursday, my symptoms had worsened. After talking with my mom I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor. That night I started bleeding and cramping. I knew, without seeing the doctor, what was happening.
On Friday morning I went to the appointment with the Hubs. My first pregnancy test came back negative but when they ran a blood test, it was positive. The doctor wanted to make certain that what I was experiencing really was a miscarriage and he did give us some hope that I might still be pregnant. But in my heart, I knew I had lost the baby.
So yesterday, I went back to the lab for another blood draw. Today, what I knew had happened, was confirmed. The doctor called it a "blighted ovum" or an anembryonic pregnancy. Whatever you call is we lost Babycakes' little brother or sister. There are no memorial services for such a thing, no cards at Hallmark (that I'm aware of), so little can be done for an event that is so sad. We will try again, but not immediately as so many people will expect us to do. I need time to recover from this. As a 40 year old woman I know I am quickly running out of time to have more children. So often people tell me that I'm running out of time. I know this better than anyone. Please don't tell a woman she is "running out of time" to have babies. We know this. Sometimes things don't go the way we have planned. I trust that these events are in the Lord's hands and He is doing what is best for all. Even if it hurts me now.
I share this personal story for a couple of reasons. Many of you who read my blog are close family and friends. I can't bear to call/e-mail/text everyone and share this sad news. I've also learned that there are many women out there who have suffered through miscarriages in silence. I'm not sure why this topic is not more openly discussed. Maybe folks are afraid of saying the wrong thing to a grieving mother-to-be. Maybe women are embarrassed. I just know that writing this post has been heartfelt as well as cleansing.
So while you may have been looking for a lighthearted post, I'm sorry I couldn't deliver that this time. But I wanted to document this sad part of my journey in life. Maybe one day Babycakes will go back and read this post and know the loss I felt. Or maybe it will help another woman coping with a similar loss.
Thank you for reading this. If you don't mind, I'll just ask one more thing of you. Please pray for our family as well as other families who have suffered a miscarriage. It is a loss I know I will recover from but only with strength from God.